So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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