I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
