Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Randomize
