As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
