4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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