I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
