I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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