Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
