i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You're a waste of cheezeits
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
