i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
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Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
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New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins