Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Then again, he has huge mansions.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.