i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER