I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.