Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
