It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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