i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
