if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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