im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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