did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Randomize
