Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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