fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
