my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
