Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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