Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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