When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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