Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
