I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
