It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
