My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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