P.S. I can't hear my feet
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.