When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.