piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Redeem this text for a blowjob
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.