i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
You smell like stripper and shame
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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