Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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