We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
