i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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