boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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