Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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