Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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