You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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