So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Randomize
