There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My sheets look like a crime scene.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
