Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
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Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
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