I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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