just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
