today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
