omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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