Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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