You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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