dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
