New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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