Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
