a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
