i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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