I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
