I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
