The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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