Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You don't make any sense
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