Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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