Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
