Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
