Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
