And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
