I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
