Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
