if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
