Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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