btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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