Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
