1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
