So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
