My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
