mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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