Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
