At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
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FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
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Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
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