I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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