If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
